


What's your name, man

by eIiza



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Multi, Nonbinary Burr, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Eliza, Polyamory, basically pretty much everyone is trans or gay or a combo of the two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-13 12:04:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9122833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eIiza/pseuds/eIiza
Summary: How do you come out when you don't even know who you are? (How do you discover yourself if you don't tell anyone?) Eliza breaks the vicious cycle on impulse.A story about nonbinary Eliza.tags will be updated as this goes on (esp because there will be romance but the final pairings aren't listed yet...wait and see!)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> a bit more personal story (does it come through?)

_13 years old._

Angelica pokes her head in through the half-open door to Eliza’s bedroom, “What’s taking you? Breakfast is ready and we gotta leave soon.”

Eliza, with only half of her uniform on and staring pensively at her closet, replies, “I don’t know what to wear.”

“Eliza,” Angelica sighs, “There are only two options. Just wear what you wore yesterday.”

“But I wore pants yesterday and all the girls wore the skirt. All of them, Angie.”

“Let them do what they want, and you do what you want. Just pick fast! Dad says we’re leaving in ten minutes,” Angelica says, ducking back out the door leaving Eliza to her dilemma.

Pants are infinitely many times better, but Eliza doesn’t want to give anyone a reason to talk about her. It’s always easier to blend in and get by unnoticed. But skirts, they’re so _uncomfortable_ , needing constant adjusting and propriety checks, and they’re so decidedly feminine. Too feminine for Eliza’s tastes, not that there’s anything wrong with it. It’s just never been her thing, as much as she wishes it was.

“Eliza!” her father’s voice rings from downstairs.

Startled into a decision, she quickly pulls on her skirt, grabs her bag, and dashes down the stairs.

 

***

 

_15 years old._

A summons to a secret meeting at midnight - Angelica’s writing -  is safely tucked away in Eliza’s pocket as she sneaks out to the garden. Both of her sisters are already huddling under a blanket, seated at the usual place, a bench under an arching trellis of climbing roses hidden from the house by hedges. As Eliza approaches, they shuffle over, and Angelica lets Eliza under the blanket, draping it over her shoulders. Peggy is practically vibrating in her seat but Angelica just stares out into the garden, lost in thought. Wordlessly, Eliza tugs the blanket around herself tighter, huddling against her older sister.

“She’s here now!” Peggy bursts in a hushed voice. “Tell us!”

“Well,” Angelica starts. Eliza catches the slightest tremor in her voice, one Peggy fails to notice as she eggs her sister on with wide, eager eyes. Eliza wraps an arm around her older sister as Angelica takes in a sharp breath and lets out, “I kissed a girl today.”

Immediately, Peggy demands “What was it like?” at the same time Eliza asks, “Who was she?”

Angelica’s shoulders slack with relief as she breathes, “Theodosia.”

“Aww!” Peggy coos and grins at Eliza. Angelica is lost in the memory, eyes turned toward the stars as moonlight dances on her soft, enamoured smile.

“It was…” Angelica sighs, “Like a dream. I really, really like girls. Especially this one.”

Snapping back to the present, Angelica turns to both her sisters and adds on quickly, “But don’t tell dad.”

“Why not?” Peggy questions, brows knit in confusion.

“I’m not sure how he’ll react, and I’m not ready to find out.”

“He won’t find out,” Eliza reassures her.

“Yeah! Nothing to worry about, Angie,” Peggy chimes in. “Details, though! How did it happen?”

“Well, it was at that birthday party…” Angelica starts, sharing her tale as the three of them bundle closer together against the midnight chill, oblivious to the passage of time.

 

When they finally sneak back inside, Eliza sits against the headboard of her bed, blanket pulled up to her waist, laptop in her lap. She’s thought about girls in passing before, nothing more than just, you know, if a girl ever asked her out, she wouldn’t say no solely because of her gender. But it’s never been relevant enough to search for labels or mention anything to her sisters. Not even tonight. It was Angelica’s meeting. Eliza’s hesitant feelings could wait.

Instead, Eliza silently searches for answers she doesn’t have the questions to. Needing to start somewhere, she tries googling “girls that like everyone,” then “girls that like girls,” adjusting until she comes across a list of definitions. She reads everything, ravenous for something to relate to. Eventually, under a blog entry about pan orientations, she comes across nonbinary genders. Something about it piques her interest, engrossing all her attention. Enraptured, she puts aside any remaining questions about orientations and reads all she can about nonbinary identities until the first light of day seeps in through the cracks between her bedroom curtains.

 

***

 

_18 years old._

Eliza is sitting at a bus stop bench waiting for Angelica, because apparently it’s a crime to be a week into her first semester at university and have not gone to a college party yet. Those kinds of parties aren’t really her thing, but her sister can be very insistent and she does admit she’s a bit curious about the experience. It’s been about three years since that night, and she still hasn’t brought up her thoughts about gender to anyone, let alone her sisters. Sometimes she thinks she’d like to use _they_ pronouns, but if _she_ feels right half the time too...well, Eliza reasons there isn’t much point in asking for a tentative pronoun change if she hasn’t the slightest clue as to what her gender is anyway. Let alone telling anyone else, school, friends, her father-- it’s a daunting prospect and she’s elected to ignore it all for now. Ignorance is bliss...right? Yet, unsettling discomfort and pressure for change creeps on heavier every time she thinks of it but-- a bus pulls up and Angelica steps out-- she would deal with it all later.

Arm in arm, the two sisters walk along rows of houses as the sun begins its slow descent. The evening air is crisp and cool, and Angelica looks stressed and tired.

“Eliza,” she says softly, searching her sister’s face for something, then looking down, “Dad found out.”

“Found out wh- Oh,” Eliza cuts herself off, realizing the only thing Angelica’s been hiding from their father is her relationship with Theodosia. She’d been successful for almost a year. Almost.

“He got very upset. Told me to stop going against _the natural way_ and said he wanted to set me up with his co-worker’s nephew. So he did, or he tried at least,” she smiles bitterly, looking back up at Eliza. “Unbeknownst to dad or their uncle, they’re not even a boy. So.”

They. _They_. Eliza startles at the pronoun use, almost unsure that she even heard it correctly. But that was right, and Angelica not only met an actual nonbinary person, but is entirely on board with the idea. Eliza mentally shakes herself; as exciting as this is, her sister’s dealing with something more important at the moment.

She must have met them last night, at the supposed “business meeting” their father could bring a plus one to. Eliza asks gently, “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. Theo’s parents took her phone, but I’m hoping she’ll be here tonight. Otherwise...well, it is a _party_ ,” Angelica’s eyes flash dangerously.

There’s something in the way Angelica said that last bit that makes Eliza silently resolve to stay sober tonight. She smiles reassuringly at her older sister, “I’m sure she’ll show up. You do what you need and I’ll be nearby, okay?”

Angelica pats Eliza’s arm with her free hand and replies, “Okay, but don’t forget to enjoy yourself. You’re here to have _fun_ , not look after me!”

Eliza squeezes her hands, “Alright, alright, don’t worry.”

Arriving at their destination, they enter the house together and Eliza’s momentarily stunned by how loud everything is. Music almost shakes the walls and indistinguishable chatter competes to be heard above it. She struggles to follow her sister through the crowd, barely catching her say, “Oh, that’s them!”

“You see Theo?” Eliza shouts ahead of her, hoping she’s loud enough. Angelica stops and turns back to Eliza.

“No, but dad’s co-worker’s not-nephew is here,” Angelica gestures in the vague direction of the kitchen. Grabbing Eliza’s hand, she half shouts, “Come on, I’ll introduce you.”

As Eliza’s being towed through the crowd, her breath catches in her throat. She’s actually going to meet this person, someone like her, maybe. Someone with answers. All at once she’s excited and nervous, and so many wordless questions and validation seeking bubble up and-

“Aaron!” Angelica calls out.

Eliza spots them, _(them!)_ , leaning against the kitchen counter with a beer, alone in the quieter room.

“Angelica,” Aaron smiles politely. “How’s your...situation?”

Angelica makes a face. “Not so great. Yours?”

“About the same. And who’s this?” They look over to Eliza, expression neutral but their gaze somehow intense, as if they can see past the facade she puts up for everyone. Feeling exposed, she wonders if they can tell.

Eliza looks to Angelica to introduce her, but her sister’s attention is back to the door they came in through, focused on the girl that just walked in.

Theodosia.

“Hold that thought,” she says quickly, and dashes away, disappearing into the horde.

Quickly collecting herself after her sister’s abrupt disappearance, Eliza offers her hand. “Angelica’s my sister. My name is--” Eliza stops for half a second, her head screaming _this is your chance_ , and impulsively introduces herself as, “ --Sky.”

Aaron shakes her hand. “Aaron Burr. So you’re...Sky Schuyler?”

Blush blooms across her face, embarrassed at how ridiculous that sounds and suddenly regretting her lack of forethought, but quickly corrects them, “No, no. Sky’s short for Schuyler. I- uh, I’m trying out...some things,” voice tapering off at the end.

Aaron just nods. “Pronouns?”

She feels her face get even hotter. She wants to try, knows there won’t be any resistance on Aaron’s part if she does try. Their expression remains nonchalant, and she anchor’s herself in their apparent lack of any expectations.

“They, them,” Sky puts out for the first time in their life, just audible over the roar of the party. Their heart hammers in their chest at the rush of saying it out loud. It’s officially out there now, just to one person, but it’s out there.

Aaron nods again. “Me too. They, them.”

The stress built up from years spent avoiding and not knowing rushes out all at once, and Sky feels light, free. Riding that wave, they push on, “Can I ask you about it actually? About gender stuff?” and when Aaron doesn’t respond right away, Sky quickly adds on, “It’s okay if that’s too personal.”

Still, Aaron remains silent, studying them. Nervous but not shying away, Sky wonders what it is they’re looking for, what they see. The moment takes an eternity and they can’t help but shift their feet.

Finally, they respond, “I’ll let you know if it is too much.”

Head still light and buzzy, Sky lets out the most pressing question, “How do you know if you’re right?”

Aaron takes a sip of their beer while Sky holds their breath. Resting the bottle on the counter, they respond coolly, “It’s not exactly something you know, it’s something you feel. What do you feel?”

They’ve never tried to put it into words for themself, never tried to explain it to anyone. Under Aaron’s scrutiny, their omniscient gaze, it feels futile to hold back or hide anything, so they attempt to put into words their most clandestine secret, “I don’t know. Kind of like a girl? But sometimes not? I didn’t really…”

And then Aaron’s smiling at them gently, sympathy lighting up their eyes. Smoothly retrieving their phone from their pocket and handing it to Sky, they say, “It’s difficult to pin down. Give me your number and I’ll text you some gender identities that may approximate yours, if you’re interested.”

Hope fills their chest as they type their number in. This is it. No more blindly searching the internet only to dig up five different definitions for the same words over and over, going in circles until the next time. They’re finally going to have access to a credible, living source of information. They might finally understand who they are.

“Very interested,” Sky replies, handing their phone back.

Immediately, Sky’s own phone buzzes, and they fish it out of their pocket, confused. That was too fast to be Aaron, then they realize it’s likely one of their sisters. Instead, looking at their phone, it’s from an unknown number:

_Come upstairs to second floor bathroom. Your sister_

Bewildered, Sky has no idea what to make of the message. That’s not Angelica’s texting style at all, which means someone’s texting on her behalf. Meaning Angelica’s not okay. But she left only a moment ago to chase down her girlfriend and now she’s...in some kind of trouble. What could possibly have-- Sky’s phone buzzes again, displaying a text from the same number:

_(Hit send too soon) Your sister needs help. Hurry up_

That was all they could take. “Aaron, something came up. I need to go.”

Aaron cocks an eyebrow but only says, “Alright.”

“But please do send me that list! I’ll see you later,” they half shout, already merging into the sea of bodies, the dissonance of the party pounding against their ears. They wrestle a path back to the front door, remembering a staircase around there from when they first walked in. Spotting it, they pull themself out of the crowd, climbing above the people and the noise.

Nearing the top, they hear someone call out, “Eliza!” and they half trip on the next step, catching themself on the handrail. In the space they created with Aaron, they forgot, foolishly, that no one else knows who they are. Not that they know who they are _anyway_. So they brace themself; back to this, back to being Eliza, just for now.

Reaching the top step, Eliza peers down the dimly lit hall and spots Thomas looking at them expectantly. He’s one of Angelica’s best friends and a complete and utter asshole. Angelica’s friendship with him is incomprehensible and Eliza can barely tolerate him on a good day. If something’s wrong with her sister, today’s going to have to be a good day.

Closing the distance between them, they ask, “Where’s my sister?”

“In here,” Thomas jerks a thumb at the door he’s standing in front of. “It’s locked and she won’t let me in.”

Eliza frowns. It’s not like Angelica to shut out help, especially not from those close to her. “What happened?” Eliza asks, trying to keep their worry at bay.

Thomas crosses his arms and leans against the wall, scowling. “It’s very possible she had a fight with her girlfriend, but I don’t know. If she would just let me _help_ her, I would _know_ , and it would be _fine_ , but she’s opted for overdramatic flair so we’re doing this shit instead.”

Before Eliza could ask what “this shit” is, Thomas bangs on the door, resulting in a muffled, “Fuck off!”

“Your sister’s-” (Eliza flinches, forgetting again), “-here,” Thomas yells back.

There’s a heartbeat of uncertainty, then the door cracks open, and for a second, nobody moves. Then the door swings open violently, Angelica lunges at Eliza and pulls them into the washroom by the arm, slamming and locking the door shut, almost too fast to comprehend. Angelica slumps down on the toilet, buries her face in her hands, and says nothing.

Eliza’s left standing in the middle of the room, uncertain of what to do next. Wary of the possibility that she might snap at them, they try something safe, whispering, “I’m here, Angie.”

The resulting loud sob instinctively drives Eliza to go to their sister, pulling her head against their stomach, wrapping their arms around her back. Angelica’s shoulders shake with every shuddering breath as tears flood down her face, occasionally, unintentionally letting out a strained noise. Eliza forces themself to not get swept up in their sister’s distress, grounding themself in the light green walls and the floral pattern of the shower curtain.

Rubbing slow circles on her back, Eliza says, “Let it out, Angie. I got you.”

She cries harder at that, and Eliza strokes her hair in a soothing rhythm, whispering, “I know, I know,” contrary to the burning anxiety of not knowing at all.

Moments pass with each stroke, heaving sobs subside to sniffles and steady but hitching breaths. Eliza ventures, “You wanna tell me what happened, Angie?”

From the safety of Eliza’s arms, she whispers, “Theo’s moving away.”

Eliza’s heart drops. “Oh Angie…”

She takes a deep breath, “Her parents found out about us too, and they’re... the same as dad. She--” her voice hitches, but continues, on the brink of more tears, “doesn’t want to do long distance so she--” her voice cracks and she breaks down sobbing.

Eliza finishes for her, softly, “She broke up with you.”

Angie can only nod, sobbing harder than before, and Eliza just holds her tighter, whispering, “I’m so sorry, Ang.”

They stay like that, Eliza smoothing down Angelica’s hair as tears streak hard lines down her face. Against the quiet, Angelica whispers, “I love her.”

Eliza’s eyes unwillingly well up with tears. They can’t do anything about it. Their sister is being torn from the girl she loves and all Eliza can do is stroke her hair. Struggling to think of what to say in response, something thumps loudly against the door and shouting filters through the door.

“Piss somewhere else,” sounds like Thomas.

“You can’t tell me what to do,” comes the other voice, fiery, intoxicated.

“Try me, dumpster fuck.”

Eliza and Angelica look at each other, their world of two disrupted, and then they’re smiling together, and Eliza knows their sister will pull through. Grabbing a tissue, Eliza crouches down in front of their sister gently pats away the distress, suggesting, “We should get out of here. It sounds like someone else needs the room, if you’re ready?”

Blowing her nose, Angelica nods, “I’m done with this place.”

“You wanna go home?”

“No,” she says quickly, then slower, “No, I don’t want to see dad. I think he and Theo’s parents were…”

She looks down, “I’ll spend the night at Thomas’.”

Dropping her tissue in the bin, she stands up and pulls Eliza into a tight hug and whispers, “Thank you.”

“Anything for you, Angie.”

Eliza leads them out into the hall where they find Thomas holding back a smaller man, who’s drunkenly failing to get past him. Upon seeing them vacate the washroom, he points an accusatory finger at Thomas and says triumphantly, “See! I knew you weren’t using it.”

“I never said I was, shitbrick.”

Angelica, now tall, seemingly unperturbed, shoulders set, stalks past them both toward the stairs with only a brisk, “Thomas. Let’s go,” and then she’s gone.

Releasing his challenger, Thomas trails after her, and Eliza goes to follow, but is stopped by the other man taking their hand in his.

“Alexander Hamilton,” he says, bending down to press his lips to their knuckles, but not quite making it, halted by doing a double take.

“Hey,” he purrs, attempting to stand up straight and cocking an eyebrow. “You're pretty. Did you know you're pretty? ‘Cause... like... wow. Wow.”

Eliza blushes, amused. He’s staring up at her through thick lashes with this goofy grin that’s probably supposed suave, but doesn’t quite qualify. Any other day Eliza would stay but Angelica's on her way out, so they settle with, “Yes, I do know. Thank you. I'll see you around, Alexander.”

And with that they scuttle off after their sister, not before looking back to find him watching them leave awestruck, and they flash a smile experimentally. His face mirrors with a smile as brilliant as the sun. Eliza makes a note to find him later, this Alexander Hamilton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments very much appreciated! motivate me into writing the next chapter <3;;  
> thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's time for unreliable narrator eliza to take the stage! (at least moreso than the previous chapter)  
> settling with the narration referring to eliza as Eliza and using they/them as a kind of compromise? going for maximum clarity while not entirely ignoring their identity

“A couple of questions,” Eliza says, watching the steam rise from their paper cup and waft through their fingers, intangible.

“Alright,” Aaron responds from their seat across Eliza, ever calm, unreadable. The rain patters gently against the coffee shop window.

Eliza toys with the plastic lid they’ve yet to top their tea with, asking, “How do you tell people?”

“I don’t,” Aaron replies. “I let them happen upon it.”

“But...hm,” Eliza furrows their brow. “How did my sister find out then?”

“She happened upon it.”

Eliza leans back in their chair and sighs.

After the party, Eliza let Aaron know they’re not out to anyone else, to call them Eliza and to use _she_ pronouns for them anywhere that isn’t private. Aaron acknowledged that and responded with the list of terms they promised: neutrois, agender, genderfluid, genderflux, demigirl, nonbinary girl. On first pass, the differences were too subtle to pick apart at four in the morning, though most of them felt right in some way. Eliza decided to just ask Aaron in person, but for someone who claims to be an open resource, they sure are not answering questions with any amount of clarity. But Aaron agreed to this, so their avoidance can't be a lack of interest.

Attempting a new approach, Eliza leans forward on the table and stares intently, locking them in. Aaron raises their brows, slightly intrigued.

Eliza demands, “What was the information Angie happened upon that led her to know about your identity?”

Aaron smirks, amused, and finally says, “She guessed. I was avoiding using gendered language in reference to myself.”

So...Angelica knew about it before she met Aaron, even. She must have found out about nonbinary genders on her own. Maybe, perhaps, coming out to her wouldn’t be so terrible. Just, not anytime soon.

Before Eliza could ask about it further, they hear “Well if it isn’t Aaron Burr!” announced to the nearly empty coffee shop, and they look up to see a young man sauntering over to their table.

“What’re you up to? On a date with a cutie?” the stranger asks, winking at Eliza.

Eliza’s immediate reaction is to smile politely and say nothing, cautious around one who so boldly intrudes on their space, but he grins in response, and they can’t help but think it’s kind of adorable. Not to mention those freckles...but then they look back at Aaron and -

Aaron, who is usually guarded and stoic faced, now has their eyes closed and is wearing the most openly unamused expression Eliza has ever seen on them. Completely ignoring the interruption, Aaron says dryly, “As I was saying, if any strange men approach you in coffeeshops, the most effective route back to solitude is not engaging. They thrive on attention, you see.”

The guy barks out a laugh, and roughly claps Aaron’s shoulder. Eliza discreetly leans away in their seat. He jerks a thumb at Aaron and asks Eliza, “How much are you getting paid to spend time with them?”

 _Them._ Meaning they’re close enough to Aaron to “have happened upon” their pronouns. Deciding it’s safe to open up a bit, Eliza puts out, “Actually, I enjoy their company.”

Aaron almost looks surprised, but it’s so close to their usual expression that they can’t tell if they’re imagining it.

“Well then,” the dude responds, “You must be an angel, and I’m John.”

Whether he’s flirting with them or genuinely surprised by their willingness to spend time with Aaron, they completely forget to consider, because none other than Alexander Hamilton appears at his side and John continues, “Alex, have you met this marvelous saint who volunteers her time to aid our dear little Burr, and actually _enjoys_ it?”

Eliza flinches at his pronoun use but says nothing, not ready to correct him. Alexander glances over at them, and immediately his face changes from one of mild interest to a cocky smirk, brows raised, and he slides smoothly over to where they’re sitting.

Taking their hand in his, he replies haughtily, “I have not.” He waves his free hand in a half curtsey and introduces himself, voice dripping with conceit, “Alexander Hamilton.”

Eliza’s attempt to not laugh is forcibly boiled down to a smile, and he returns one even brighter, more genuine, lighting up his eyes. This is not the first time he’s introduced himself to them in an unnecessarily grandiose manner. Either he has a habit of flirting with everyone he meets, or he’s genuinely interested in them.

They tease, “Do you introduce yourself like this every time?” and Alex’s bravado falters, confusion plain on his face. They continue, “Because we _have_ met, only you were very, very drunk at the time.”

Alexander lets go of their hand, eyes wide, “I don’t remember that.”

“Remember what?” someone asks, and two more men appear behind Alexander and John, the other one holding a tray of drinks.

Aaron rolls their eyes, “Oh good, the whole gang is here.”

“Aaron!” one of the new arrival’s face lights up as the other offers drinks to John and Alex. “And who’s this?”

Aaron points at them, “Eliza.”

Then addressing Eliza, they point to the one with the drink tray, “Lafayette,” then the one who’s been speaking, “Mulligan.”

“But call me Herc,” he interjects.

Smirking, Lafayette slinks toward Aaron and asks, “We aren't _interrupting_ anything, are we?”

Eliza misses Aaron's response, distracted by Alexander disappearing behind his friends without a goodbye and apparently becoming very interested in the self serve garnishes at the counter, John following soon after. He doesn't end up using any of them.

They tune back in to Herc saying, “There's a small kinda party at Thomas’ tonight. It's movies and weird food and drinks. Y’all two wanna join?”

“Y’all two?” Aaron scoffs, but Eliza, glancing back at Alex, shoulders slumped with John seemingly comforting him, says, “Yes, we'd love to.”

Aaron gives Eliza a look, but Herc is already giving them fingerguns, and saying, “Great! See you there,” as he trails behind Lafayette to join his other friends.

“They seem nice,” Eliza says, watching them leave the shop. “Friends of yours?”

Aaron snorts. “That depends on your definition of friends.”

Still not answering questions directly. That’s fine, they can work with it.

“You’re going to the party with me though, right?” Eliza says, looking up at Aaron through their lashes in an attempt to make it seem more appealing.

Aaron, expression neutral as always, says, “You already accepted on my behalf.”

Still unsure, they try out, “Good! So you’re coming.”

They raise an eyebrow but don’t object.

Success.

“So,” Eliza says, thinking back to Alexander slinking away, only to have John follow after and comfort him. Was he embarrassed by their exchange? Aaron looks up at them, waiting for them to continue.

“You know Alexander, what do you think of him?”

For half a second, Aaron’s calm facade snaps like lightning to some bitter expression, but it’s gone before Eliza can pick it apart. Then Aaron’s calmly stating, “Alexander is an interesting man.”

Following their instinct, _there’s something more_ , they say pointedly, “You two have history. What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” Aaron says too emphatically, betraying the lie.

“You were lovers!”

“No.”

“Enemies?”

“No.”

“You...played Monopoly together once?”

Aaron shoots them a deploring look and Eliza says, “Fine. I can ask Alexander later.”

“Sure.”

 

***

 

Right outside Thomas’ apartment door, Eliza takes in Aaron’s ruler straight posture and slightly disgruntled expression, if they’re reading correctly. Aaron’s subtleties can be difficult to discern.

Eliza offers, “It’s not too late to leave. You don’t actually have to-” but is cut off by Aaron sharply knocking on the door. That settles that, then.

The door opens to reveal a surprised Thomas. “Ah, Gil mentioned you might be attending. Come in, welcome to paradise.”

Eliza wouldn’t call it paradise, but from what they can see of the tiny entrance hall, it does look nice. They would soon find the rest of the apartment to similarly be all dark woods, white trim, purple accents, and surprisingly, very clean.

Coats and shoes off, they follow Thomas down the hall realizing they have no idea what to expect. Is it someone’s birthday, or some kind of celebration? Should they have brought a gift? It certainly lacks the noise of the first party Angelica brought them to. Only excited chatter can be heard as they turn the corner of the little hall, revealing a bunch of folks they barely know sitting around a coffee table playing cards.

“Take a seat somewhere. Drinks are in the fridge, you can get it yourself. Pizza’s in the oven and if you don’t like any of them that fucking sucks because it took _so much work_ to prep.”

Eliza rolls their eyes, “How courteous.”

Thomas makes like he’s going to argue back, but changes his mind prior to voicing any of it, settling on an indignant, “You’re welcome.”

He stalks into the kitchen and Aaron follows. Not interested in spending more time with Thomas, Eliza enters the living room where they find Lafayette and Thomas’ boyfriend, James Madison, sitting on the couch, leaving Herc, John, and Alexander on the floor, and a box of chocolates on the table.

Waving them down, John points between him and Alexander, “Sit here!”

Settling between them, they try not to overthink it, because he’s probably just being friendly, inviting them to join in, and not at all trying to set them up with Alexander, even if there’s a good chance he _is_ interested in them, and maybe John is trying to ameliorate their last encounter or -

Slow down. There’s nothing they can do about it anyway.

At least not without more information.

Alexander flashes a grin at them, pulling them back to the present, “Glad you could make it! You’re just in time to see me do _this_.”

He plays his card dramatically and looks back at Eliza to catch their reaction. They default to smiling at him, assuming it was a good move, though they have no idea what game they’re playing.

“Actually,” James says, perched on the couch as far away from Lafayette as he could possibly be; the space between them most likely was previously occupied by Thomas. He lays down his card, “Not as good as you think you are.”

Alexander slaps a hand on the table, “You know what! Fuck you.”

“Oh shit, that’s me,” Herc says. He gathers the cards everyone’s played, and selects a chocolate from the box.

Settling back down, Alexander leans toward Eliza and explains, “We’re playing hearts. Loser of each round has to take a chocolate from the box.”

“They’re homemade,” Lafayette cuts in, “by yours truly. Each one is filled with everything from octopus to chili peppers to cheerios.”

Herc makes a surprised noise and pulls something out of his mouth, delighted. Holding it up, he declares, “It’s ten cents. I’m fucking rich.”

“I hope you sanitized that,” James mutters, looking absolutely disgusted.

“Oh no. No, no,” Lafayette replies at the same time John asks Eliza, “You want us to deal you in?”

“No, I’m good, thank you. I have terrible luck. And I've never played before.”

Alexander nudges them and says, “Partner with me then. But come this way, John’s a dirty cheater and looks at others’ cards.”

John mocks outrage as Eliza shuffles over, leaving a bit of space between Alexander and them, still unsure if he’s actually flirting or just very friendly. But then he’s wrapping an arm around their shoulder, guiding them closer, and Eliza hopes he can’t feel the warmth spread through them at his touch, trailing goosebumps in its wake.

Now close enough to safely see his cards, he starts explaining the rules of the game to them as they play, “Herc led with diamonds so -“

\--but his arm grazes theirs as he lays his card, and all they can do is nod along--

“- and John lost this round ‘cause -”

\--they’re still listening, really, but it’s hard to think when he keeps brushing up against them--

“- damn it, Lafayette! I swear to fuck -”

\--and then he settles back down and his thigh rests against theirs and it’s so warm pressed against him--

“- there’s a good chance we’re gonna lose this last round but -”

\--their face is flushed with heat and they feel so--

“- yes! Fuck yes!”

\--he wraps an arm around them in victory, pulling them into a half-hug, smiling like the world is his. That was the last round and Lafayette takes the single remaining chocolate and mourns, “Molasses center.”

Eliza’s lost in Alexander’s hold, taking each dizzying moment as it comes, but then Thomas returns with Aaron, announcing the pizza is ready. Alexander gently releases them from his hold, and as they’re getting up, they’re not sure if they imagine him exchange a meaningful look with John.

 

In the kitchen, everyone gathers around the counter, three pizzas fresh out of the oven on display, as Thomas explains, “This one is your traditional mac n’ cheese pizza-”

“Traditional,” Aaron deadpans.

“She's beautiful,” says Lafayette.

“What the fuck is this?” Alexander complains.

“Can it.” Thomas continues, gesturing to a disturbingly green pizza, “This one’s vegetarian. Green pepper, broccoli, asparagus, spinach, and pesto sauce, no cheese.”

Alexander narrows his eyes, “It looks disgusting.”

Thomas shoots back, “Shut the fuck your mouth, it’s Jemmy safe.”

“It looks disgusting, Thomas,” James says as he grabs a slice.

“You’re welcome, assrag,” Thomas says, placing a kiss on James’ forehead.

“And this last one?” Herc prompts, plate already bearing a slice from each pizza, pointing to what can only be described as an abomination.

“That one’s nearly every single topping suggested during the brainstorm period.”

Eliza takes a closer look. The pizza is packed, nearly an inch thick of toppings. Most of it seems to be conventional, peppers, meat, tomato, but they could also spot things like popcorn, pickles, and chocolate chips. Who knows what else could be hiding under the cheese. They decide on the smallest slice of macaroni, wondering if this is the kind of thing Thomas feeds Angelica when she comes over.

Shuffling to the side to let others in, Eliza ends up against the wall next to Herc. Alexander, with John backing him up, is currently engaged in a heated debate against Thomas about the sanctity of pizza, and it's distracting enough that no one really hears Herc ask, “So when did you and Aaron happen?”

Eliza looks up at Herc, who’s now innocently attempting to maneuver the abomination pizza in his mouth without losing any of the toppings. He must be gauging their availability so he can pass it on to Alexander. Or maybe he’s just friends with Aaron and is genuinely interested, but considering everything else that’s happened tonight-

Stop overthinking.

“We’re not together, just friends.”

He nudges them and leans in conspiratorially, “Are you interested in being more?”

That was not where Eliza expected him to take the conversation, and before they could think about any kind of answer, he adds on, “‘Cause I would talk to Aaron about it before you get in too deep. They’re aro, y’know. Not that that’s a huge secret or anything, just, they’re not exactly the sharing type. Better to know before you go.”

“Aro?”

“Aromantic, yeah. They were dating Alex when they found out. Real messy breakup.”

Oh.

There's a hollow feeling in their chest that they ignore, because it _means nothing_. It's probably the pizza, definitely the pizza. They mentally check off being right about Aaron and Alexander having some kind of history, but admit to probably being wrong about Herc’s intentions. He’s most likely just looking out for them, not doing reconnaissance. Well, whether he’s searching for information or not, they put out, “No, I haven’t heard about that. But yeah, I’m not currently dating anyone.”

Taking a bite of their pizza, they look over to Aaron, who’s stoically observing the debate that’s now developed into what does and doesn’t constitute a pizza. Aaron catches their gaze and raises a questioning brow, so they smile back reassuringly. Aaron, in return, flashes a small smile.

Eliza almost chokes on a macaroni.

Turning back to Herc, Eliza asks, “Do you know where the washroom is?”

“Yeah, it’s easy, dude. First door on the right, just down the hall right there.”

 _Dude_. It's probably what he calls everyone, but satisfying to hear nonetheless. They thank him and scoot away, gently locking the door behind them.

So, Aaron smiling like that is... new. It's odd to see but it suits them. Eliza wonders how to get them to do it again, to see the corners of their mouth slightly upturn and their eyes shine. It's different from their polite smile, all politics and no emotion. That one doesn't reach their eyes, doesn't reach Eliza's heart-

But Aaron's aromantic.

Which isn't a problem because Eliza doesn't like them that way. They're friends.

Alexander, on the other hand, has been close in a way Eliza doesn’t mind at all. There’s something about him that sweeps them off their feet, and they get caught up in his energy. His presence demands their attention, radiating excessive passion in every action, almost in compensation for his lack in stature.

His influence is almost dangerous. They’re normally observant, patient, tactful, but when they’re with him, his every movement, every word, is captivating, like they’re in a trance, unable to think to look away. To put it simply, they’re helpless.

They would love to pursue him, but not tonight. Nothing tonight. Enjoy the company, go home, collect their thoughts, figure out what they want to do about him later.

With new resolve, they slip back out into the hallway. Everyone’s made their way back into the living room, lights dimmed, and movie previews playing. Thirsty, they return to the kitchen first, only to find Alexander taking sip from a cup.

“Hey,” he says warmly. “We’re watching a food movie. It’s called Veggietales? Herc’s the only one who’s seen it but he swears by it so...it’s going to be interesting at least. Can’t have a food party without talking food, apparently.”

“Wait,” Eliza interrupts, and Alexander freezes in place. “This is a food party?”

Alexander stares at them for a second, then bursts into laughter. It’s raw and hearty, and Eliza can’t help but laugh with him.

Unable to stop, he chokes out, “So you-- oh my god, I’m-- Did no one tell you?”

“No, I just...showed up. No idea.”

He looks at them with a goofy smile, cheeks red, still chuckling. “Amazing. You didn’t question the pizza? Or the chocolates? Or the drinks?”

Eliza laughs to themself, “I thought, I mean...it’s Thomas. It’s entirely possible this is just the way he lives. Like, _mac n’ cheese pizza_ , Alex. He could feasibly have it for breakfast every day and I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Alex, incredibly entertained, is nodding, “True, true, you have a good point there.”

His words catch up to them and they realize, “Wait, what’s wrong with the drinks? I came here to get one...”

Alex saunters toward them, “Let me show you.”

He stops very close, and Eliza thinks he’s going to lean in with those lips of his, but he instead turns and opens the fridge. (Not tonight. Look, but don’t touch.) Gesturing to one pitcher, he says, “This is citrus juice. Lemon, lime, orange, grapefruit. Surprisingly not that bad. And this one, it’s, uh...”

As he bends down to read the handwritten label, his shoulder brushes their arm, leaving electricity dancing on their skin.

“Oh, it’s carbonated milk, what the fuck. Sparkling water mixed with two percent. Gross. And there’s also regular wine and coolers.”

Spinning around and standing back up, he’s barely a foot away, trapped between Eliza and the fridge. In this moment, somehow, he’s burning bright and it shows through in his posture, the way he’s looking at them, those eager eyes anticipating their choice, and his crooked, dazzling smile stealing them away.

Kiss him. (Not tonight.)

So they duck down to the side, away from his face, and point at the citrus. Then he’s gone, placing the pitcher on the counter. From the cupboard, he produces a wine glass and a regular cup, wiggling them both. “Fancy? Not fancy?”

Eliza giggles, “Not fancy, please.”

Alex spins the wine glass by the stem with a flourish and gently replaces it. As he pours their drink, Eliza catches him licking his lips, and then it’s too late. They’re lost in how soft his lips look, shining in the fluorescent kitchen lighting. If he pressed his against theirs, they would gladly melt into him, a wave crashing against the pliant sandy shore, and then too soon those lips are coming toward them and a cup is being pressed into their hand.

Stepping forward, they meet his eyes, smiling softly, “Thank you.”

Their heart’s pounding so heart it must be audible, and their face is so warm that’s probably visible. Surely he can tell.

“Of course,” he smiles back. It’s brilliant, _it’s for them_ , and before Eliza knows it, their free hand is on his arm and they whisper, “Can I kiss you?”

 

Curled up on a park bench a couple minutes away from Thomas’ place, Eliza tries to just focus on breathing but they can’t stop their thoughts from rushing forward.

How did they not notice?

Why couldn’t they just stick to the plan?

They were going to wait, they told themself they would wait and just enjoy the company of everyone-

And now everyone’s going to hate them. They abandoned the party early, leaving without a word, and Alexander is going to tell them all that they tried to make a move on someone who’s already-

Fuck. No one’s going to want to see them again. They’ll probably talk about them behind their back, probably doing that this very moment, while Eliza curls up against themself tighter, alone, isolated by the cold night air.

They didn’t notice footsteps approach, and jump slightly when a voice beside them says, “Hey.”

Looking up, Aaron’s standing there, tall and steady as ever. Eliza drops their gaze to the ground and whispers back, “Hey.”

Offering them a hand, Aaron asks, “Can I walk you home?”

They consider declining, resigning themself to wallowing in self pity. But if Aaron found them that easily, the others may pass by as well.

They take their hand.

Aaron starts walking but doesn’t let go. Eliza says nothing, grounding themself in Aaron’s solid grip, their existence anchored to Aaron’s hand while they fall apart. After a couple blocks, Aaron clears their throat and says, “Thomas said you left because you‘re feeling unwell?”

It wasn’t technically a lie. Thomas caught them just as they were slipping out the door, an irritatingly polite host, and they had to leave him with something. And it’s true; they feel sick to their stomach. Definitely not well enough to remain there. Eliza feels like they’re falling apart, their shell twisting out, unravelling to reveal their ugly hidden core. But Aaron’s hand is warm, Aaron’s solid beside them, and they press themself to talk about it.

“In a way,” Eliza replies.

“Emotionally?” Aaron guesses.

Eliza nods.

“Did something happen with Alexander?”

Well shit. They must have noticed both of them were missing right before Eliza left. Eliza nods and in a small voice, forces out, “I tried to kiss him. I didn’t know he’s dating John.”

Aaron squeezes their hand and prompts, “And now you feel…?”

_I hate myself and so does everyone else._

“Terrible.”

There’s no taking back what they did. No way to salvage confessing their feelings to someone who can’t reciprocate. And then suddenly the words all come out, “I don’t know why I did that. I told myself I wasn’t gonna do anything. I didn’t know enough about my own feelings or the situation and then I...fucked it all up. They’re probably talking about me. How shitty I am for disrespecting what Alexander already has. How could I have not known? They’re gonna think I’m-”

Aaron suddenly stops walking, turns Eliza toward them, and pulls them into a tight hug, cradling their head against their shoulder. Tears spill out now, and Eliza quietly sobs, “What did I do? What did I do, I fucked up. They’re all going to hate me, Aaron, I fucked up.”

Aaron holds them tighter and murmurs, “It’s okay, Sky. You’re okay.”

They stiffen at the name, forgetting Aaron knows, forgetting Aaron’s safe...

Aaron’s safe. They let themself relax in their arms. “Just keep breathing,” Aaron reminds them.

So they do, through the tears and storming thoughts, nothing but in and out because Aaron’s holding them together, shielding their fragile state from the world. When their breathing finally settles, Aaron relaxes their grip and the two of them come apart just enough for Aaron to offer them a tissue they produced from seemingly out of nowhere.

After drying their tears and wiping their nose, they drop their head against Aarons chest and ask, “What do I do?”

Aaron rubs their back, solid, reassuring, and says, “We’ll tackle it as it comes up.”

 _We._ Together. Whatever happens, Eliza won’t have to do it alone.

That’s good enough for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the longest fic ive ever wrote, and its still going! im fairly proud as im not that confident in my writing;;  
> comments go a long way! i would love to hear what you think  
> (alternatively, my tumblr is freshmangotea.tumblr.com ! )


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter features  
> -Alexander "i speak in paragraphs and excessive commas, as a callback to "real" ham's writing style" Hamilton  
> -more schuyler sibling time  
> -aaron being frustrating to chat w  
> -gender  
> -not as many words as the previous one

Eliza idly feeds the fish on their phone, curled up on Peggy’s bed between their two sisters. Their father’s out late, so they all decided to spend the night in together and catch up.

“Alex is more trouble than he’s worth anyway, Eliza,” Angelica pats their knee. “Every time I hear about him, it’s ‘cause he got into some kind of fight.” 

“Yeah, and there’s always Aaron,” Peggy says brightly, nudging them.

“You’re probably right, Angie,” Eliza says. “And what are you talking about, Pegs? I’m not interested in Aaron,  _ and  _ they’re aro, so.”

“Dunno,” Peggy shrugs. “Just sounds like it whenever you mention them. Which is a lot.”

“Aaron’s just a friend,” Eliza says adamantly. A very close friend that they care for dearly. “Anyway, how’s dad been with you lately, Angie? Still taking you on those ‘business meetings’?”

Angelica suddenly sits bolt upright, “Oh my god, I haven’t told you yet. Dad set me up with someone and she’s perfect and beautiful and I want her to be my girlfriend.”

Confused, Eliza asks, “Did he...set you up with a girl? Does he know?”

Angelica’s winning face is on, “Yes he did and no he doesn’t. She’s not out to very many people.” She sighs dreamily, “Let me tell you, meeting her has made sitting through all the other dinners with ugh,  _ boys, _ worth it.”

Peggy furrows her brow in contemplation, “Wait, wait, so she’s uhh, transgender, right? But didn’t you just out her to us?”

Angelica leans forward, her smile fading to a serious expression, “Yes, but with her permission because you’re not going to tell anyone. Absolutely no one.”

Peggy nods, “Gotcha.”

“Of course,” Eliza says.

Angelica relaxes a bit, “Good. I need you two on board if I’m gonna pull this off.”

“Pull what off?” Peggy says, jumping up at the mention of any kind of scheme.

“I want to ask her out, I’m gonna ask her out. She’s incredible, really fucking adorable, I can't wait for you to meet. Anyways, not important right now. If she says yes, dad will think I’m ‘saved’ or whatever, and I’ll get to date a cute girl without him breathing down my neck. And then we’ll move out together eventually.”

“Wait, what?” Peggy exclaims.

“Isn’t it a bit soon to decide?” Eliza asks.

“You’re leaving us?” 

“Calm down,” Angelica waves her hand gently, “I’m only moving out if everything else works out. But, yes. I want to get out of here sooner than later, because, I mean, I love dad, but he can be so overbearing and I’m tired of his shit. If I tell him I'm moving out with the person he set me up with, he'll probably be okay with it. Relatively more okay with it. And it sounds like she has some shit she wants to get away from too, so granted she’s on board, that’ll be that.”

Peggy reaches over and grabs her sister’s hand. “Good luck, Ang.”

Eliza wraps an arm around her shoulder. “Let us know if you need anything.”

“You’re the best,” Angelica smiles, soft and sincere, and leans over to pull Peggy and Eliza into a group hug. “I’m so lucky to have you two.”

In the arms of their sisters, Eliza silently resolves to come out to them before Angelica moves out.

 

***

 

“Spit it out,” John says, lounging on the bed.

Alexander stops pacing and looks at him wide eyed, a deer in headlights. “Spit what out?” he asks innocently.

“You’re doing the thing where you want to tell me something but aren’t saying it. Just say it.”

Alexander continues pacing their shared bedroom but remains silent. Technically, their apartment has two bedrooms, but the other one is just for appearances, in case they need to convincingly come across as straight to certain unnamed individuals. Alexander uses the spare as an office, so it looks lived in enough to pass. Finally he states, “At the party, the food party...” 

He pauses for a moment, then launches into, “Eliza left early, you may have noticed, and Thomas told everyone it was because she felt ill, but what actually happened was, we were in the kitchen together just prior to her departure, getting drinks, and then she asked if she could kiss me. I swear nothing happened -” he stops pacing to watch for John’s reaction, resuming only after John nods in assent, “- so I told her I’d have to ask you first because that’s what we decided on before, when we determined boundaries for any potential polyamorous relationships, but then she got upset and I swear to fuck I have absolutely no idea what I could have done better, John, I -”

“Stop for a second,” John cuts him off.

Alex freezes mid gesture, as if moving would also cause his mouth to go off again with it.

John steeples his hands in thought and asks, “Did you want to kiss her?”

Alex, animated once again, says, “Yes, John, yes, have you  _ seen _ her because -”

“I know, I get it,” John raises a hand, well aware of how long Alex can spend waxing poetic just about people he passes on the street. “Tell me later. First, do you want to date her?”

Alex starts pacing again. “Well, see, that’s the thing, ‘cause I don’t know her all that well so I can’t give you a definite answer to that question at the moment, but, if it were a choice between taking her out or not, I think I would like to take her out on at least one date because I really want to see her again.” He suddenly stops pacing and looks at John, then slides to his knees right next to the bed and scrambles to add on, “Of course this is all secondary to you. You’re my priority, you know that right?”

Leaning over the bed, he picks up John’s hand, kisses it, and cradles it against his cheek. John’s heart melts, but he only says, “Yes, I know.”

“This will be our first attempt at branching out poly style. Are you ready to get into this with someone like Eliza?”

John studies Alexander’s beautiful, hopeful face, waiting in anticipation, and answers, “She seems nice enough. It’s not like I’m the one who’s going to date her, so if she’s the one you choose then go ahead, kiss her, ask her out.”

Alexander peppers John’s hand with more kisses, then asks, “Would you date her?”

That isn’t something John’s considered, but the answer is easy, “No, I do not want to date straight girls.”

“What if she’s not straight?”

“I dunno.”

“What if she’s not a girl?”

“Alex,” John sighs, “You don’t even know if she’s gonna say yes.”

“Do you really think,” Alex wriggles onto the bed, depositing himself on top of John, “anyone could say no to this?”

 

***

 

**why does gender** [Chat: 2 members]

 

ElizaSky: I have a question

A.Burr: Yes?

ElizaSky: Do you know anyone thats genderflux

A.Burr: No.

ElizaSky: Hmm mmmm okay

ElizaSky: Cause

ElizaSky: Ive been looking at the gender list you sent a while ago

ElizaSky: And thats sounding kinda right?

ElizaSky: Like

ElizaSky: Sometimes im like yeah im a girl and im feeling that shit good

ElizaSky: But sometimes its like

ElizaSky: Gender? Nahhhhh

ElizaSky: In a way thats different from genderfluid i think

ElizaSky: Like its more fadey than switchy

ElizaSky: If that makes sense

ElizaSky: Do you think thats right? Does that sounds like genderflux

A.Burr: If you think it’s right.

ElizaSky: :/

 

***

 

Eliza’s on their way home from class when their phone buzzes.

_ is this eliza? are you busy rn? _

Another unknown number. They need to tell Angelica to stop giving their number out without permission. Ignoring the questions, they text back:

_ Whos this _

Before they could pocket their phone, the reply arrives:

_ alex ham _

Oh. Well, shit.

Unease settles over them as they stare at the name of the last person they want to hear from. Eliza was hoping they’d get to forget about him and their last encounter, bury it and never have it resurface again.

They consider not replying at all, but that’s a terrible idea. They’ll run into him eventually, and then they’ll have to own up to not replying, as well as face what they said that night-

Regret and embarrassment boil over and they push away their thoughts, forcing themself to send:

To Alex:  _ Not busy, whats up _

Alex:  _ meet me at panda cafe asap? _

No, no, they do not want to see him. Not after what happened. But also, they do, they really, really do want to see him.

The conflicting sides compromise on further inquiry:

To Alex:  _ What for _

They try not to think of all the reasons he would want to see them, (they’re in trouble, he wants to tell them off, make sure they stay away, confront them about their abhorrent behaviour), and they wait for several anxious minutes, surprisingly long after how quickly he’d been replying just previously.

Their heart jumps as their phone vibrates.

Alex:  _ i was gonna tell you this when we got there, but since youre asking, theres no sense in delaying the inevitable, because i dont want to cause you undue stress about it so. ive been thinking about what you asked me at that party, quite a bit, if im being honest, and i first want to admit that there are a number of responses superior to “i need to ask my boyfriend”, but id like to amend the situation, which leads me to my second point, i did talk to john and i have his blessing to pursue a relationship with you. so, given that, eliza, would you like to go on a date with me? or at least meet up so we can talk about it _

He wants to...take them out. On a date.

A date with Alex.

Eliza’s head is spinning. Their fingers move on their own.

To Alex:  _ Yes _

Wait, shit, what kind of response is that.

To Alex:  _ I mean, id love to go on a date with you _

Ugh. That’s not much better.

Alex:  _ coffee in 10? _

To Alex:  _ See you soon _

 

The door bell chimes as Eliza pulls the old door open and steps in. Alex is already sitting at a table in the corner, as handsome as ever. Hearing the bell ring, he looks up and waves, “Eliza!”

They suddenly realize, he doesn’t know their pronouns or their other name. They need to come out to him, not at all interested in dating someone who’s going to misgender them.

It's terrifying to consider, but he knows Aaron, he  _ dated _ Aaron, and was okay with it. But Aaron’s agender and they’re...something else. Would that matter to him? He wouldn’t change his mind about dating them just because they’re not a girl.

Right?

Today. They need to say something today, before they get too far.

They sit down and Alex slides a cup toward them. “I got you a drink. I’m not sure what you’re into so I got one of the sweeter ones, caramel mocha. Have you had it before?”

“I don’t really drink coffee...at all.”

Alex jerks in disbelief. “How do you not...are you magic?”

“Yes, I’m a wizard.”

He laughs and gestures at the cup, “Try it at least. If you don’t like it, I’ll drink it. No such thing as too much caffeine.”

Eliza picks up the cup and wafts the steam drifting from the light brown drink toward themself. In their inexperience, it smells like coffee. They glance up for half a second and Alex is watching them, face blatant adoration. They fix their gaze at the drink, face suddenly warm, wondering if he’s aware how easy he is to read, how openly he displays what he’s feeling. They take a sip.

“Oh! It’s good!” Eliza says. It didn’t taste at all like what they were expecting.

He beams at them. “I knew you’d like it.”

And then he’s just looking at them with that broad, lopsided grin of his. Not sure what to do with his intense, undivided attention, they take another sip. They should take this opportunity to bring up gender, but they lose the words, lose what little confidence they had, and instead let tumbling out, “So, do you have any expectations for today? Or the future?”

Alex looks mildly surprise and replies, “No, not really. I just wanted to see you again because you left so suddenly last time, so I got your number from Thomas.” He laughs at that and adds on, “I didn’t want that to be the last time I saw you.”

Eliza’s heart catches in their throat. He’s not referring to their last encounter like it’s a bad thing. Maybe they’ve been overreacting. Either way, it’s still embarrassing, but  _ he wanted to see them again _ . That’s all that matters.

“As for the future, if today goes well, then we go on another date. And then, I guess, whatever happens after that, happens. How about you? Anything you want to add?”

Eliza forces the words out, using his question as a launching point before they can argue themself out of it, “I, uh, have something I want to… tell you.”

“Yeah?” He’s leaning forward, brows raised, inquisitive grey eyes focused only on them. There’s no backing out. It’s nerve wracking. 

Their hammering heart is knocking the words loose in their head, making it difficult to string anything together properly. In the haze, they find their mouth and get out, “I’m...”

He waits patiently.

“...nonbinary.”

The panic fizzles out to the absence everything and they sit, numb, waiting for his reaction. They hold their breath as the moment expands into infinity.

“Cool,” he says, no hint of sarcasm or condescension. “Pronouns?”

“Uh…” They breathe. It’s that easy, he’s okay with it. Nothing bad happened. It's okay. Attempting to pull themself back together, they answer, “Right now, they, them, but, ah, I’m still figuring it out.”

“Sounds good. Figuring out shit is tough,” his face softens to a reassuring, almost knowing, smile. 

Still a bit foggy, they wrap an ankle around the leg of their chair and take a sip of their drink, feeling the warmth on their hands and in their mouth. Everything starts to feel a bit more real.

“Hey, Eliza,” Alex says.

Realizing they forgot to mention anything about their name, they wave it off and decide to do it later. Pronouns are enough for one day.

“Yeah?”

“I’m on a date with a beautiful person -”  _ (he thinks they’re beautiful?) _ “- and I bought them -”  _ (them!)  _ “- a coffee, which they said they don’t drink but I hope they do start because coffee is one of the four food groups necessary for life, paramount to survival, and **-** oh, wait, important question,” he cuts himself off.

Bliss settles over Eliza, a warm blanket on a cold day, from hearing their pronouns used properly. Their nerves settle, everything at ease because Alex, this wonderful boy, thought to validate their identity like that.

He continues, “Who else knows and can I tell John?”

Eliza answers, “Only you and Aaron.” 

Do they want John to know? He knows Aaron, he’s safe, and if this is what it feels like to have their pronouns know then they want everyone to know and use them. “Yes, you can tell John. And your other friends that I’ve met.”

Alex smiles, eyes shining, “Alright, you can count on me.”

And that’s it. It’s done.

 

***

 

Later that night, Eliza finds their sisters in Angelica’s room, Angie at her desk and Peggy sprawled on her bed. Wandering in, they perch on the edge of the bed at Peggy’s feet.

“You’re back later than usual,” Angelica comments, typing away on her laptop.

“I went on a date.”

“You what?” Peggy exclaims.

“With who?” Angelica stops working to turn in her chair and face Eliza.

Eliza buries their face in their hands. “Alexander.”

“Holy shit, you did it,“ Peggy whispers. 

“Details,” Angelica demands. 

“Did you kiss him?”

“No, I didn’t kiss him. I was too embarrassed to ask again, but…” Eliza takes a deep breath, “I told him something I want to tell you two…”

 

***

 

**why does gender** [Chat: 2 members]

 

ElizaSky: I think genderflux is right

ElizaSky: I told my sisters

A.Burr: Good. How does that feel?

ElizaSky: Amazing

ElizaSky: Incredible

ElizaSky: I love them theyre the best

A.Burr: Good.

ElizaSky: Thats me aaron

ElizaSky: I know who i am

ElizaSky: Im genderflux

A.Burr: You’re genderflux.

ElizaSky: :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now that most of the people in their know about their identity, the narration in the next chapter is going to start varying skyliza's name and pronoun use to reflect how they're feeling at the time. ill do my best to make it as clear as possible!
> 
> tune in next time for (at least one of)  
> -Aaron and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day  
> -the girl angelica likes  
> -hamilza taking it up a notch
> 
> again, kudos and comments always always always appreciated! (always)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize for my awkward attempts at writing romance;; how do yall do it  
> (also i am not physically disabled, so if theres something ive written that needs to be changed, please let me know!)

\- Sky, they/them -

Alex is waiting, staring out into the ocean, leaning against the metal railing of the boardwalk. The breeze toys with the loose strands of his hair, the rest pulled back into a lazy ponytail. It’s quiet the way nature is quiet, leaves rustling, waves lapping against the seawall, the occasional cry of a seagull. Sky finds it strange to see him so still, a lull in the vibrant mess of a person he usually is.

They wordlessly props themself against the railing next to him and he gradually wakes from contemplation, blinking at them.

“Hey,” he greets cheerfully.

“Hey,” they return, pulling their hair over their shoulder.

Offering his arm, he invites, “Let’s walk.”

They take it, and together they make their way down the wooden boardwalk, passing compact flower beds and neat rows of upright trees. It’s not long before Alex starts, “You know what pisses me off?”

Sky can’t help but laugh, “A great number of things, I’m starting to learn.”

“I can’t believe you’re calling me out like this,” he pouts.

“Maybe you should just list what doesn’t piss you off. To save time.”

He mocks offence, “ _Listen-_ ”

But before he can dive into his tangent, Sky catches it and says, “Alright, I’m listening. Tell me what happened.”

He huffs and says, “You know how sometimes, abled people are completely ignorant of the world around them and do shit like stand in the middle of a hallway, or sidewalk, or doorframe, entirely by choice, for no apparent reason, with no intention to move anytime soon, because it’s absolutely abhorrent behaviour as it inhibits the activity of everyone around them. It’s so inconsiderate to obstruct accessible routes and force folks, like those who use mobility aids, or those who have difficulty approaching strangers, to circumnavigate an obstacle needlessly. It’s antagonistic to the fundamental values we ought to collectively uphold as a society, and I am personally offended that this obnoxious style of conduct is willfully being committed in this day and age.”

Putting it together, Sky asks, “Is this actually about Thomas?”

Alex hisses, “Yes, this is absolutely about Thomas Jefferson. He’s always in my fucking way and needs to learn how to not be unconditionally insufferable every breathing moment of his life.” He continues on like that for a while and Sky nods along, commenting every once in awhile, but for the most part, they just walk along with him, enjoying the comforting sounds of his voice, the breeze, and the ocean waves.

Alex finishes, “And he makes such a big deal out of it _every time_ but it wouldn’t be a problem in the first place if he just listened!”

Curious, Sky asks, “Is there anything you dont hate about him?”

“You’ll never catch me admitting that he’s not as bad as I make him out to be, because he truly is just a irreconcilable person, but there was one time he acted in a barely adequate manner, which was forever ago, so it doesn’t count, because you don’t get bonus points for being a decent person and treating others with the bare minimum of respect.”

“What did he do?”

“When I came out, years ago, what is it, three years now? Anyway, I changed my name, changed my pronouns, and he started using them just like that. No fuss, no comments, just carrying on with the usual bullshit.”

Sky is surprised, but they suppose they should expect some amount of propriety from their older sister’s best friend. Thomas can be brash at times, but he does have values and morals he cares about.

Then, remembering an earlier discovery, they say, “Oh, while we’re on the topic, I figured out my gender.”

“That’s fantastic! Congratulations,” Alex says, beaming at them like the sun.

“Ah, thank you,” they reply shyly, wrapping the ends of their hair around their fingers. Encouraged by his enthusiasm, they carry on, “It’s genderflux, so, sometimes I’m like, one hundred percent girl, sometimes halfway, or sometimes not at all. It depends on the day.”

Face alight with interest, he asks, “What about right now?”

“Right now?” they pause to think about it. “Right now, I’m, not really...I’m like, thirty two percent girl.”

He chuckles light, airy breaths and says, “That’s pretty precise. What pronouns do you want me to use for you, then?”

“They, them, and,” they take a deep breath and hesitantly add, “sometimes I want to change the name I’m using too.”

“Oh? What name?”

They take a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking Sky, like short for Schuyler, if you could call me that today?”

“Sky,” he breathes, “you are the breeze and the blue. The sunset filtered red, orange, and pink, fading to the stars’ black backdrop. You are the morning’s gold, crisp and awake and full of hope. Sky. I like it, it suits you.”

Sky’s face burns hot against cool evening air.

 

Eventually, they reach the end of the walkway, and, upon finding the little market closed, they decide to turn back.

Out of the blue, Alex asks, “So, what do you think of John?”

Immediately, Sky tries to determine the motive behind his question.

“Your boyfriend?” they ask for clarification.

“Yeah.”

He probably, at the very least, would like them to get along. Maybe he’s looking to see if they’re friendly toward each other. They answer truthfully, “Well, I’d like to get to know him better. You and I have been going on dates, but I still haven’t seen him since we first met. It’d be nice to talk to him, I think, and see first hand how he feels about me because if you end up as my boyfriend we’d be sharing you, so I’d like to at least be acquainted. Why do you ask?”

“Two things...first, are you saying you want me to be your boyfriend?”

Sky didn’t realize they let that slip out. It’s been on their mind recently, especially with their sisters’ constant pestering and subsequent disappointment in the lack of updates on their relationship with Alex. (“You haven’t kissed yet?” “What are you waiting for!”)

They reluctantly admit, “I may have had some thoughts about it.”

Abruptly, Alex stops walking, turns to take both of their hands in his and the world comes to a stop around them. His hair fades to the wind, grey eyes shining with life, and the warm hands that encompass theirs reflect the fire that burns within him. They suddenly feel weightless, lost, a speck of dust floating in the face of the sun.

“Sky,” his lips shape their name on his breath. They can see nothing but his face, hear nothing but his voice, held up only by gentle eyes and soft hands.

“Will you allow me the honour of being yours?”

There’s nothing but him.

And Sky, naught but a particle lost in space, finds their charge. Even the tiniest of beings can navigate about a star with the right propellant.

They take a chance and release one of his hands, bringing theirs up to his face, palm against cheek, pulling him closer. He leans into their touch, anticipating their reply, their faces only inches apart, breath dancing with breath.

Instead of answering they whisper, “May I?”

He closes the distance between them, and they press their lips to his.

 

The cosmos bends to the will of a particle that’s harnessed the power of a star. The collision of such beings, infinite, irrevocable, breathtaking.

 

Then he’s holding them, fingers interlaced with their long hair, hand flat against the small of their back, heart supporting tender heart. Giggling, Sky rests their head on Alex’s shoulder and breathes, “That was a yes, in case it wasn’t clear.”

He chuckles deep and rumbly, they can feel it in his lungs, and chides, “It wasn’t clear, actually. I think you need to spell it out in detail.” Then he’s tilting their head toward his and pauses.

Eyes half lidded, he waits, adrift at sea, floating, searching, and Sky answers, a beacon pulling him to shore. They reconnect, no longer lost, no longer searching.

The ocean is mighty and cold, but two hearts turned in toward one another is enough to keep out the biting wind and clinging froth. There is nothing but soft against soft, fragility exposed to one another, beating together as one.

Too soon they separate, and Sky finds themself being held in his arms, face pressed against his neck, his cheek against their head, still safe, still warm. There’s nothing to think about, no reason to move, they just drift in the afterglow, head buzzing, full of bliss, devoid of content. The moment is perfect, and they stay like that for a while.

 

Eventually, thought returns, and the ever practical Sky, remembers, “We were talking…umm.”

“Hm?” Alex asks, the question buzzing against Sky’s cheek.

“You were saying something...”

“Are you referring to the last twenty years of my life?” he asks, a playful edge in his voice.

“ _Thank you,”_ they say sarcastically. “I mean before-”

“I took your breath away?” he cuts in.

“Yes, exactly. You were talking about, uh, you listed two things,” they trail off, not quite remembering what they were.

“Right,” he recalls, “the first was to ask you to be my… mm, what do you want me to call you?”

“I haven’t thought about that yet,” Sky concentrates their brow, as if scrunching up their face will bring forth the answer. They try out, “Partner pal? No. Umm, date...person? Genderflux friend? Hm.”

“I’ll just call you adorable, perfect, and beautiful until you find something you like.”

Still dizzy from earlier, they melt at his praise, thankful he’s holding them upright, and respond, “Well you’re not wrong, handsome boyfriend.”

He laughs, “So you think I’m handsome?”

“Yes, I do. Now tell me what the second thing was.”

“Oh, yeah.” He says slowly, “It was, something about John.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think you’d ever date him?”

“Wow, Alex, you do move fast,” Sky teases.

“What? No I don’t. Who told you that?”

“Aaron.”

Alex groans. “I forgot you’re best friends with my ex.”

“Don’t worry, it’s impossible to get them to talk about it. They haven’t said anything else,” Sky reassures him. “Anyway, I don’t really know John. We’ve only met like, once.” Taking a guess at the reasoning behind Alex’s inquiry, they look up at him and ask, “Why? Is he interested?”

Alex frowns, “That’s what John said too.”

Piecing it together, Sky states, “You want to set us up!”

He looks away pointedly, “Uh, nnnnnmmmaaaybe.”

Sky sighs, “I know that might be ideal for you but if anything happens between me and John that’s up to us.”

Alex asks, voice brimming with hope, “But you’ll let me know if anything happens?”

Sky laughs, “Yes, Alex, I’ll let you know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's not really The End but i dont want to keep working on this because it gets really long and windy and directionless, so i'm going to cut it short here. feel free to ask about the plans i had if you're curious!
> 
> in the end, angelica and her gf (joanna church) move out together; aaron and skyliza are qpps; and skyliza, alex, and john do the poly triangle thing (which would have taken way too long to develop naturally!); and they all live happy gay and/or trans lives forever. the end!
> 
> i hope u enjoyed my writing endeavours as i try to learn how to make the words do the thing, stay tuned for more eliza/aaron, nb eliza, and just anything eliza in general! as always, Comments and Kudos very much appreciated. thank you! <3


End file.
